Filthy Stinking LUV
by Mizander
Summary: With Dib completely at his mercy, Zim takes the time to 'educate' the pitiful human on the horrors of LUV. Drool in terror as ZIM's good friend SKOODGE is infested by this vile LUV. Could also be construed as one-sided ZADR, if you choose to take things t


**Title:** Filthy, Stinking LUV  
**Author:** Mizander  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** With Dib completely at his mercy, Zim takes the time to 'educate' the pitiful human on the horrors of LUV. Drool in horror as ZIM's good friend SKOODGE is infested by this vile LUV. Could also be construed as one-sided ZADR, if you choose to take things that far.  
**Disclaimer:** Zim is the property of Jhonen Vasquez and Nickelodeon. I'd also like to credit J Random Lurker for LOADS of help with this story.  
  
**Author's Notes:** I think I have to explain myself a little for this one. Upon reading through one of the IZ live journal communities, one poster said that she would like to see a fanfiction with an original character who had an insane stalker fixation on Skoodge.  
  
Now, this may say something about my sense of humor, but that thought gnawed at me, and in the end, I decided to write such a fanfiction - as something extra. For Fun.  
  
Now, for those of you who have read Frequency, I'm sure you'll remember the customer service girl who helped Dib at the end of that chapter. If not, go and read it - just for a little back story.  
  
And then, read this.

* * *

Far below the earth on a day like any other for one who relentlessly pursued one's sworn enemy, Dib shifted uncomfortably in his bonds and cursed the predicament he'd gotten himself into. Acctually, for what it was worth, it had been Zim and not Dib who had gotten him into this particularly venomous thing. A long horizontal metal slab, spikes protruding from either end, and him, lashed in the centre with belts and cables that stretched his body in opposing and unnatural directions.  
  
The worst of it was not, however - the blinding physical pain but rather the reason for which he was undergoing such torment.  
  
"Come on Zim, be reasonable. I just told you that I think I'm in love with you. Surely you could have just gotten all flustered and take a few days off skool to think about it! Isn't this a bit excessive?"  
  
The Irken, who prior to this announcement had been furitively scanning his computer's printout, wheeled around and marched across the room to scowl at Dib.  
  
"Let me tell you WHY I will never do this LUV thing with you before I KILL you Dib. Someone I ... sort of don't hate... fell in LUV once. And it was DISGUSTING!"  
  
Dib blinked. He hadn't expected the alien to know anything about love at all. In fact, he had rather been looking forward on a good long argument about what it meant to be in love - in the hopes that it would dissuade him from his own worries that he harboured that emotion for the arrogant creature before him. However, bound as he was - he didn't appear to have much choice than to listen.  
  
"Uh o-kay Zim...but...before we begin, could you possibly loosen these a little? Uh, to help with my understanding of your story?"  
  
"SILENCE!" thundered the alien, shaking a fist at his captive. "See your filthy human PAIN as punishment for your stupidness, and listen to the AMAZING tale of ZIM!"  
  
Dib sighed. It seemed that he was stuck.  
  
"Our story begins when Mighty ZIM was on a HORRIBLE VACATION to the planet Foodcourtia! ZIM had told the tallest that he needed no VACATION, but they INSISTED. AND, On that REVOLTING day, a HORRIBLE, HIDEOUS NEW GIRL ARRIVED!"  
  
Zim waved his hands dramatically to symbolize the horror that this new girl represented. He glanced up to see Dib's reaction, and fortunately, interpreted his grimace of pain as agreement.  
  
"Yes Dib-stink, you should make horrible pig expressions of disgust. Now, this new girl was short. Very short, not like Zim...SHORTER! And she was skinny! With little stick arms and bony legs! Yes...yes, what else. She had a red uniform with no more than THIRTEEN FILTHY BLACK STRIPES...with a PINK collar...oh and a PAK...yes. And Boots! OH WHAT BOOTS SHE HAD! LIKE THESE!" Zim waved one of his feet in Dib's direction to demonstrate.  
  
Dib opened his mouth, but Zim apparently was not finished.  
  
"And she had green skin...and red eyes...and Antanae! Yes. They were curly! CURLY LIKE A PIG'S TAIL!"  
  
"...uh...is all this description really necessary?" Dib asked, raising an eyebrow in confusion.  
  
"SILENCE! I'm BUILDING MOOD!"  
  
"Well...she sounds like she looks just like you."  
  
"WHO IS THE TELLER OF THIS STORY?" Zim roared. "...eh, I guess she did, a little. But NOT ENOUGH, for she was UGLY!"  
  
Dib sighed and resigned himself to yet another period of time in this THING. He just hoped Zim wouldn't go on anymore about her appearance, as he'd had quite as much of that as he could take.  
  
"ZIM thought that this NEW GIRL, with her Green skin and curly antanae and thirteen black stripes and HORRIBLENESS, was at least NORMAL! But one day, a Voot Cruiser of DOOM landed outside..."  
  
"What's a Voot Cruiser? Is that some kind of space ship your species drives? Can I steal the schematics?"  
  
"Do not tempt me to end your life early Dib. Yes. SO. My fellow Invader, Invader Skoodge, came to the restaurant that day! And HE MADE THE HIDEOUS GIRL INSANE! INSANE WITH FILTHY DISGUSTING LUV!"  
  
Dib dared to acctually interject, as he was really starting to feel uncomfortable. "She was insane because of the love?"  
  
"YES! YES! Once she was quiet and complacent...but then, she FELT the LUV and became..." Zim's eyes narrowed, and a shadow seemed to fall over his face. "...perky."  
  
Dib gasped in involuntary horror, then paused to think. "Hey, that's not a bad thing!"  
  
"I won't tell you to be silent again Dib-beast." Zim cleared his throat and paraded back and forth, hands clasped behind his back. "How do I know she was driven to insanity by the filthy LUV you ask of ZIM?"  
  
Dib didn't dare reply to that one. He really just wanted the pain to end.  
  
"She came to ZIM, and she said," here Zim afflicted a higher pitched tone, probably in his version of an imitation of someone of the female gender. "'Who was that dream boat?' ZIM of course had seen no Dreamboat! 'You know...that GOD in a little red invader Uniform! WITH THE STAINS! OH SUCH SEXY STAINS!' ZIM knew then that she was talking about SKOODGE! And he LAUGHED! LAUGHED LIKE HE'D NEVER LAUGHED! ...before that time. When he was laughing at her. BUT SHE DIDN'T STOP THERE! Oh no! 'His eyes are like MUTANT CHERRIES!' she blithered. 'And his adorable...paunchy GUT!'"  
  
Still mincing around the room, the Irken Invader continued his dramatic performance of a lovesick female. Dib was acctually in such hysterics by this point that he forgot to feel horrible, mind-numbing pain.  
  
"'Come back little Sizzly! I'll put on the Happy Schloogorgh costume JUST FOR YOU!'"  
  
"And then! She leapt over the counter..." Zim punctuated this with a dramatic flying leap onto the table. "And caught Skoodge around the throat, dragging him into our HORRIBLE FILTHY BATHROOM! She said she wanted to see if he had a MIGHTY VORT DOG under that UNIFORM! IF she wanted to see THAT, she could have GOT ONE FROM THE KITCHEN! SKOODGE HAS NO VORT DOG!"  
  
Dib stared at Zim, who was now taking a break from the effort of his melodramatic narrative. This certainly was an interesting tidbit of information about the Irken species - definitely benificial to his cause. Apparently, male Irkens had something that resembled a phallus under their Uniforms.  
  
"Why do you stare at ZIM Human pig?" the alien asked, hopping up again - apparently ready for another round. "Are you so DISGUSTED by the LUV? DO YOU SEE NOW? BUT WAIT! There is still more LUV wisdom that ZIM can impart to you! STAY THERE!"  
  
"...I really can't...go anywhere Zim."  
  
"Yes. Well...good." He cleared his throat. "So TRAUMATIZED by the terrible LUV was Skoodge, that he RAN from the bathroom, SCREAMING! ZIM knew WHY! She smelled!"  
  
"She smelled bad?"  
  
"Yes." hissed Zim. "...Like...FRIES. FRIES AND COLESLAW! AND MEAT. HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE MEAT. TACO. MEAT."  
  
To make matters worse for Dib at this point, GIR wandered through. "I like tacoooos." Fortunately, for the last remaining shreds of Dib's sanity, this was all the interjection the robot felt necessary at this point, and he exited promptly at a full tilt run.  
  
Zim's voice had lowered now, to an evil, angry hiss. His face darkened, and he rested his elbows on the table, staring up at Dib over steepled fingers. "The LUV...It didn't just affect the UGLY cashier with it's SICKINESS! It eventually INFESTED Skoodge. YESSSSSS....all that time, he kept coming BACK to Schloogorgh's. Zim...ZIM knew why....yesss..."  
  
Banging a fist on the table for emphasis, Zim's voice crept back to it's usual reaches. "HE HAD TO FIGHT THE INFERIOR TOILET MONSTER IN THE BATHROOM! AND THE FOOLISH GIRL with all her SICKY LUV allowed him to use her as BAIT! OH SUCH GROANING AND MOANING THERE WAS! I'm surprised the girl is even alive."  
  
"Toilet monster Zim? Monster Baiting? Don't you think they might have been doing...something else?"  
  
"NO INVADER WOULD ALLOW SUCH AN INFERIOR FILTHY TOILET CREATURE TO WIN! IT WAS A MATTER OF PRIDE!"  
  
"...I'm sure it was Zim. Pride. Yeah."  
  
"Even a filthy human at least sees the virtues of Superior Irken Pride! AND! It was our Superior IRKEN PRIDE THAT DEFEATED THE LUV! Invader Skoodge went, as did I to the GREAT ASSIGNING, and is even now, conquering BLORCH! HA! TAKE THAT YOU FILTHY DIRT-MONKEY!"  
  
"I don't even KNOW what a BLORCH is!" Dib exclaimed.  
  
"YES, THE SLAUGHTERING RAT PEOPLE WILL SOON BE NO MORE, JUST LIKE THE PITIFUL HUMANS!" Zim paused, then caught sight of the time on his computer. "That reminds me. I had a schedule for today. I was gonna go eat a sandwich, maybe plot a little doom. THE MISSION CAN BE PUT OFF NO LONGER!"  
  
With that, the Invader stalked from the room, climbing inside the elevator, and leaving Dib alone with his horrible pain, and so many unanswered questions.  
  
"HEY! You can't leave me here! ZIM!" Dib's voice echoed off the walls of the lab, but there was no answering reply. "...I need closure on that anecdote!"  
  
Hanging his head in defeat, he tried to turn his mind to plans of escape, but one question in particular would not leave his mind clear to do so.  
  
"Can't you at LEAST tell me her NAME?"  
  
-End.


End file.
